How girls unwittingly mis-communicate to boys

Most guys just don’t have the skills or capacity to pick up on all the social cues that most girls take for granted.

(Notice I’ve said “most” and stop writing that comment that starts with “Well some girls/guys aren’t like that”.)

Most guys operate on a very limited set of social “inputs”. Socially awkward guys work off an even fewer number of cues. That’s why they’re socially awkward – they don’t meant to be, they know that they’re missing something, they just don’t know what. It’s like they can only see in grey-scale… and some guys only have 5 shades between black and white.

Most girls, on the other hand, walk into social situations seeing all the colours of the rainbow; they notice glances, and eye-rolls from across the room. They perceive mood and other’s awkwardness in a flash. They react and adjust quickly to compensate.

And that’s where girls often unwittingly miscommunicate – usually while they’re trying to be loving.

A guy will make them feel awkward, try and be funny, etc… and the girl will try and give signals (social cues) that she’s not interested, while at the same time being polite by smiling and laughing, etc.

At which point, the guy only sees the girl smiling and laughing at his joke and has NO IDEA that there are other social cues and signals going on telling him that he’s being awkward.

So, girls… you wouldn’t talk to a child expecting them to “read” all those high-level social cues – that would be unloving. So in the same way, look at the guy and realise that its unloving to expect him to pick-up on those social cues too!!

Yes, I know you feel rude by not smiling and laughing… but he doesn’t think it’s rude (because that’s what he does isn’t it!?).

Don’t expect socially awkward guys to operate on a level that they obviously can’t operate on. Out of love for them, “dumb-down” your communication – not by using simple words, but by using simple social signals when necessary.

From a socially awkward guy, who’s being trying to learn social signals and cues for years (with wonderful help and support from my wife), be kind and generous to those of us who have trouble doing something you find so easy.

Offer girls an “out”

Sometimes, some guys don’t know they’re being unrelational, they don’t know they’re making a girl feel awkward, they haven’t picked up on the normal social cues. They’ll trap a girl (or a pair of girls) in a conversation after church or whatever…

So, guys, love your sister and go and interrupt. Go and offer them a drink, ask if they’ve seen someone your looking for, anything. It gives the girl an out; an opportunity to politely excuse herself from the awkward conversation.

It may not have been awkward, and you might make it awkward by doing that… but that’s better then leaving a girl trapped.

Then, afterwards, train her in dealing with socially awkward guys.